Weird Weekend
Weird Weekend is our regular Saturday column where we celebrate PC gaming oddities: peculiar games, strange bits of trivia, forgotten history. Pop back every weekend to find out what Jeremy, Josh, Ted, and Rick have become obsessed with this time, whether it’s the canon height of Thief’s Garrett or that time someone in the Vatican pirated Football Manager.
In the wake of GTA 6, series veterans will wax nostalgically about the era of Rockstar expansion packs. No sooner had you finished The Lost and Damned, they’ll tell their nurse in between spoonfuls of prunes, The Ballad of Gay Tony landed on your hard drive. There was none of this ‘waiting a decade for a new GTA’ nonsense.
Fewer will remember the first age of Grand Theft Auto, when even the expansion packs had expansion packs. Really—GTA birthed GTA: London, which in turn begat GTA: London 1961. The latter was released for free online in the summer of 1999, where only a subset of disc-spinning PC gamers were ever likely to find it. Which might have been for the best. Because GTA: London 1961 is perhaps the most punishing visit to the British capital ever conceived. Even including 28 Days Later, and the press reception of Meghan and Harry.
(Image credit: Rockstar)
The original Grand Theft Auto already demanded a lot from its players—splicing a nascent open world structure with the limited lives and scorechasing of the arcades. To pass a given level, you’d need to complete several back-to-back chains of missions, thereby building a sufficient multiplier to reach the target score. Getting busted would halve your multiplier instantly. And since cops only needed to bump into you to effect an arrest, like a ghost in Pac-Man, you could easily wind up back at square one, with a dwindling pool of missions to pick from.
GTA: London 1961 is perhaps the most punishing visit to the British capital ever conceived.
To this brutal ruleset, the designers of GTA: London 1961 decided to add mission timers tighter than Adam West’s batsuit. How does 20 seconds from East Bermondsey to West Southwark strike you? Or 30 from Westminster Palace to the City of London, where the bankers work? Even in GTA’s shrunken top-down metropolis, it’s an extraordinary ask—only possible if you pick precisely the right route, floor it, and somehow avoid any serious collisions along the way. “You got to be a little faster,” explains your cock-er-ney paymaster, helpfully. “Or Harold’ll have your guts for gardening with!”
And should you fail, even once? Those same gangsters will throw you out on your arse, ending the mission with no way of recovery. “This ain’t some leisurely afternoon stroll with a stunning bird! This is major international crime, and time and crime waits for Norman, as Harold once said! You blew it, you nob!”
(Image credit: Rockstar)
I can’t help but wonder how Harold can afford to be so picky with his drivers. If he’s got Charlie Croker on the other end of the blower, why is he talking to me in the first place? Good riddance.
Except, without the largesse of old Harold, making money in London is no walk in the park. It might be a drive through Hyde Park, knocking down pedestrians in precise combos to try and max out your score the hard way. Or a slow, repetitive shift at the docks, feeding endless stolen cars to the crane in exchange for £100 notes. I scuppered my chances there by rolling an enormous red bus halfway into the Thames, blocking the crane and making future deliveries impossible.
Thankfully, I’m not the first person to be astonished by the obscenity of those mission timers. And GTA: London 1961 belongs to a time when in-game values could be easily tweaked via notepad files buried on your PC. A kind fellow traveller named Duckilous left instructions on the GTA Forums—an added 30 seconds here, an extra 2375 frames there—and it’s no exaggeration to say that those simple inputs are transformative. “I am not a modder for the classic GTA games,” my saviour writes. “This is something I just figured out in one day.”
(Image credit: Rockstar)
Duckilous’ GTA London: 1961 remains a frantic, frazzling dash through pixellated renderings of some of the world’s most famous landmarks. But that extra inch of breathing room makes all the difference. Another half a minute per mission means you actually have time to read what your objectives are before haring off towards them.
That extra inch of breathing room makes all the difference.
You even get a moment to appreciate the, ah, prose: “What the hell are you doing? You left Mr Caukenbolls all alone. Now some gang has kidnapped him. You’d better find him and get him back here, unharmed! A miss is as good as a moron in this game, mate.”
Crucially, the added time means you get to complete more objectives, and therefore access more missions further down the chain. Among GTA: London 1961’s scenarios are the theft of a rival gangster’s clothes during a pond swim, the filming of a bespoke documentary for Harold to watch at home, and the first-ever implementation of driveby mechanics in the series. There’s even a bit of Bond-lite cruising in a Jaguar with a union jack paint job, called the Jug Swinger.
(Image credit: Rockstar)
But it’s all over pretty fast. This, I now realise, is what the vicious timers were likely covering for: a damning scarcity of scripted missions. I managed to complete four of seven and, having failed the others, was left scraping around to make up the shortfall in my level score.
When run over with a 3x multiplier, policemen yield 3000 points each, and I calculated I’d need to pancake only about a dozen to reach the target. But eventually, even the coppers stopped showing up. London’s streets turned eerily quiet, as if every last response unit in Scotland Yard had at last been totalled or exploded. The war was over.
In the end, I was combing the city from Camden to Camberwell, searching for one last way to eke out enough damage to sufficiently impress London’s criminal class. And eventually, I found it: a tank parked on a football field. The cars and buildings of Westminster rocked with concussive force as rockets flew. Buckingham Palace’s window bill for 1962 would be enormous. But I could finally say I’d completed GTA’s toughest challenge to date. Give or take a 30 second timer.
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