Backyard Baseball has officially released, and with it, a brand-new generation of kids can experience one of the most charming, wholesome, and fun sports franchises around.
But alongside the influx of new kids trying the game out for the first time, there are also players like me–longtime fans who have been studying the strengths, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies of the game’s roster. Is this so I know how to handle them when they come up to the plate in the video game? Partially. More importantly, however, I have used this knowledge to determine, Timothée Chalamet-style, whose ticket I could punch in a real-life baseball game.
I am 32 years old and have not played organized baseball in nearly two decades. I’m probably going to tear my rotator cuff or explode my UCL and need Tommy John surgery. But before I do, I’m sending some children back to the bench.
These are the Backyard Baseball kids I could strike out without even really trying that hard at all, and exactly how I would take them out.
Dante Robinson
The food-obsessed Dante Robinson is a decent hitter with incredible wheels, and anything he hits on the ground could easily be legged out for a single. I’m staying away from the lower half of the zone–in fact, I’m starting off with a four-seamer right at his ear, forcing him to hit the dirt and subsequently choke on the hoagie in his mouth. The umpire, who is, of course, also well-trained in the Heimlich maneuver, would save him, but the fear of death by hoagie would result in him then taking three straight pitches right down the middle for a strikeout.
Vicki Kawaguchi
Her brother is one of the greatest pitchers to ever live, but Vicki Kawaguchi is primarily interested in ballet. Her swing sees her step in the bucket quite severely, so I’m throwing her nothing but two-seamers and changeups on the outside corner. Does she adjust, perhaps slowing down her swing so she can make contact with that circle-change fading out of the zone? Of course not. Now curtsy and grab some pine.
Dmitri Petrovich
Can you protect the strike zone like you protect your pocket, nerd? Dmitri Petrovich leaps with every swing, which should make him a master at hitting high fastballs. It also means that he’d be susceptible to my splitter, however, which I would throw three times in a row and send him back to the bench. If you want to put this one in your little stat book, Dmitri, that’s a K, and you’ll probably rack up a few more before the day is over.
Kimmy Eckman
Confident and sporting a powerful swing, Kimmy Eckman strikes fear into the hearts of opposing teams. The only problem? She loves candy, leaving her jittery and prone to chasing. After painting the corner with a fastball, I’m throwing nothing but breaking junk in the dirt, which she gladly chases. Perhaps the catcher will even drop the third strike because of how far outside the zone it goes, but Kimmy has no chance of beating the throw to first base. I’d get into her head on the next at-bat, throwing three straight pitches in the zone, which she would take out of fear of embarrassing herself again. Of course, that’s exactly what happens.
Mikey Thomas
Mikey Thomas has immense power, making him a very dangerous batter with runners on-base, and his swing doesn’t have any obvious flaws. However, he perpetually has a cold, meaning there’s a solid chance the baseball makes it back into my glove covered in his disgusting mucus. I would not, of course, be above Gaylord Perry-ing a baseball in order to strike out a child, and Mikey would have no idea how to react to a pitch dropping off the face of the Earth just before it reaches home plate. I wouldn’t feel bad, either–after all, it’s his snot, not mine.
Tony Delvecchio
He’s walkin’ here, except he’s not, because he’s striking out. Perhaps the coolest kid in the Backyard Baseball crew at first glance, Tony Delvecchio’s confidence will be his downfall. I would never throw the same pitch twice, mixing heaters and off-speed pitches to frustrate him as he tries to sit on something and send it over the fence. That, of course, will not happen, and if I’m really lucky, he’ll put a bow on his strikeout by chucking his always-present lollipop into the dirt. Or maybe he could try swinging it instead of his bat–he couldn’t do much worse.
Pete Wheeler
The prototypical leadoff hitter, Pete Wheeler has impressive hitting skills and lightning-fast legs, but he is gullible. For this at-bat, I would simply have the catcher say the name of a pitch, and then I would throw something else. Pete would not catch on and would strike out in four consecutive at-bats. I would promise to not lie about the pitches each time he stepped up to the plate, but I would immediately betray his trust.
Achmed Khan
A relatively balanced baseball player, Achmed Khan is a fantastic hitter, but he’s always wearing headphones blaring loud rock music. Try as he might to stay focused on the game–and hear what is happening–it would distract him. I would wait for a ripping solo to kick in, then would quick-pitch three strikes before he remembers that he’s batting and not rocking out on stage. Perhaps one day you’ll be like Oasis, but right now you’re just going 0-for.
Jorge Garcia
Oh, Jorge. Much to the surprise of no one, I would be able to strike Jorge Garcia out on three consecutive pitches right down Main St. Your parents’ money can’t buy you talent, even if they pay for hitting lessons. That ridiculous slow-pitch chop swing isn’t going to make contact with anything in the strike zone. Perhaps it will be more useful if the other kids suddenly turn into zombies and they need to be destroyed.
